The Fifth Christmas

In 8 days it will December 25th, 2020. Christmas. A time for joy, family (remotely this year), food, and celebration.

For some it is also a time for pain. Pain from the memory of someone they’ve lost, whether recently or in the past. Pain from loneliness, from sorrow, from the missing part of their heart.

For me, it is all of the above.

This Christmas will be fifth Christmas without Lauren. Five years since we were together as a family, opening presents around the tree. Video calling with family out of town, dinner with the family we lived by. Five years since we tucked our baby boy in for the last time together with no worries in the world. Five years since she had to go back to the hospital.

Five days after that Christmas we found out that her cancer was back. Less than two months after that Christmas they told me that there was nothing more they could do, except for making her as comfortable as possible. A month and a half after that she was gone.

This Christmas is the hardest one yet. Evan is asking more questions, about Lauren, about life, about death. Do you know how hard it is to hold it together when your five year old asks “Am I the only person without a mommy?” Or “Are we going to die at the same time daddy? Because I don’t want to be without you too.” I do my best to keep a neutral face as I answer these and other questions but inside it tears me apart.

Sometimes we’ll sit together in my chair, and look at pictures and videos of Lauren. He loves any of the videos where she dances, and when she laughs. The smile on his face when we do this is just so perfect. He has her smile and eyes for sure.

Fuck I miss her.
The puzzle that makes up my heart will forever be missing a piece.

Lauren,
The other day I was in the kitchen, getting ready to yell at Evan for not listening, for being stubborn, for talking back (he definitely gets that from both of us) when I looked outside and saw the cardinal, just sitting in the driveway looking at the house. Instantly I calmed down, and called for Evan to come to me so I could show him. I told him that it had to be from you, coming to remind us that you’re still with us. He got a huge smile on his face, and exclaimed “She sends me butterflies AND birds?!?”

I’m doing the best that I can, and hopefully doing it the way you would have wanted me too if you were here. He’s such a good boy, even when he’s being stubborn. He knows how to get people wrapped around his finger too 🙂

We’ve got a great support system in place, both in person and remotely. He loves talking to Gigi and Aunt Krissy on his iPad, and can’t wait to be able to travel down to Florida to see them in person again.
I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas already! We got a new tree this year, this one has room under the tree for presents, and you know we had to put a train around it! Evan picked it out because it can change from all white to color lights, and it has 9 different “scenes”! His favorite is the fast blink between color and white, but he knows I don’t like it so he puts the slow fade on for me.

We did some rearranging in the house too! The back room that was the dining room is now a “den”, with a new coat of paint and even a fake fireplace! It would have been a perfect place to watch impractical jokers and play your drinking game.

I’m actually drinking a vodka Arnold Palmer out of your favorite glass as I write this! You know the one, the faded Newcastle glass that you took from Lindsay! Haha…it’s the perfect size!

I hope I make you proud. I hope you know how much I miss you. How much we miss you. Even as I slowly move on five years later, my heart will always be missing the piece that is forever yours.

There I go, rambling again. Thank you for watching over us.

I love you, always and forever. You are the bomb dot com.
-Michael

“Who’d You Be Today” Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughin’ in the rain
I still can’t believe you’re gone
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowin’, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowin’, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today
Today. Today. Today.
Today. Today. Today.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I’ll see you again someday
Someday, someday