Baby Steps

I ate a fried egg sandwich today.

No big deal to most people right? Well, it was a huge deal to me.

Lauren made the best fried egg sandwiches I’ve ever had. She knew how to cook the eggs perfectly, and she had the perfect mix of spices/herbs/mayo that made it taste like you were taking a bite of heaven.

I remember one morning she woke up before me and went downstairs. A little while later the smells of her cooking woke me up. I excitedly hopped out of bed and started to go downstairs when she yelled up at me to stay in bed. I tried to protest but she wasn’t having it! Defeated, I went back into our room and got back into bed. A few minutes later, she entered the room with a cookie sheet (we didn’t have any trays) and on the cookie sheet was two plates, each with one of her infamous egg sandwiches!! We laid in bed, ate our sandwiches, and talked about our future with “Fig”.

Lauren thinking about throwing me overboard while on our cruise

 Sometimes I wonder what we would have planned if we knew what was coming. Would we have gone on more adventures? Would we have quit our jobs and traveled the world like we planned on doing eventually? Would we have fought differently? These kind of thoughts enter my head a lot. Sometimes they make me happy as I imagine a different ending to that chapter in our life. Sometimes…most times…it makes me sad. The “what if” and “would we” thoughts are very dangerous, and once they start it is super hard to stop them.

Baby steps. Let me get back on track here. I ate an egg sandwich today. The first such sandwich I’ve had since she has passed. It was one of those things that reminded me of her and made me break down uncontrollably. But today, today I ate one. And I didn’t break down. I didn’t cry. I smiled, and I let the memories come flooding in. Baby steps. The sandwich itself? Meh. I never got her to give me her secret combo of ingredients that she used to make them so special. And you know what? That’s okay. Because I have the memories of them, and that is good enough. Baby steps.

Evan and Lauren at Thanksgiving Dinner 2015

 I’m back on a few of the dating websites/apps. Not to try to find someone new, not to try to hookup with someone, but to talk to people. I miss having that person to talk to, about my day, about my life, about things I want to do. I miss having someone to encourage me, to give me advice on my random goals or my newest ideas. I miss having someone to talk me into…or out of…doing things.

I’ve also joined a grief support group. It meets every Wednesday at a church near my house. I’m the youngest person in it at 32. I’m also the one with the most recent loss. One of my good friends told me “That’s good! Being the youngest means you have so much more wisdom to seek from the others.” He’s right of course…but I still wish I didn’t have to seek wisdom on grief at all.

Lauren concentrating while she feeds Evan oatmeal

How am I doing? I am….okay. I am very thankful for my family and all the assistance they are giving me and Evan. I am very thankful for my friends, most of which are also family at this point, for all of their love and support. It’s a lot harder to get some people to hang out than I thought it would be, but that’s probably because they don’t know how to handle me. Like normal is the best way, in my opinion.

Every day is a baby step forward. Not an Evan baby step, because he runs. But a Billy Murray in ‘What about Bob’ baby step.

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,

Michael