One Month Down, A Lifetime To Go

Dear Lauren,

Hi Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo! I miss you so much. I can’t believe it’s been a month since you’ve left us. Not day, hour, or even minute goes by where I don’t think about you. Whether it’s looking into Evan’s eyes, looking around the house full of stuff we purchased together,  listening to music, or even just a beautiful blue sky there are millions of things that make me think of you.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to throw random pictures randomly into my letter to you. You know how much I love looking at us!

The other day I channeled my inner “you.” While driving home from visiting you at the cemetery, I blasted my “Hip Hop BBQ” Pandora station. As I proudly displayed my semi-awesome (but nowhere near as awesome as yours) rap skills, a fun memory popped into my head. Do you remember when we were driving up to Jacksonville last year for Memorial Weekend and we were blasting rap music? Then you realized that we were saying all the bad words, which we shouldn’t be because “Fig” was always listening to us while he was in your belly and we had to be good influences. So you decided to continue to listen to the rap, but to self-sensor everything. Those were the funniest rap lyrics I’ve ever heard.

That memory popping in my head while I was driving home made me laugh while rapping, then it made me sad. I hope you were looking down laughing at me as I probably became the only person in history to rap:

“3, 6, 9 damn you’re fine move it to you sing it to me one mo time
Get low, get low [6x]
To the window (to the window), to the wall (to the wall)

while crying.

I miss you so much. Every time I close my eye I re-live our last few months together. Our cruise, our first Christmas, our New Year’s Eve in the hospital, the laughs and smiles we shared even when times were tough. Seeing your smile every time Evan was brought to you was amazing. I think the hardest thing to re-live is our last few days together. I am so thankful that we got to say “I love you” to each other one last time before you fell asleep. I am so thankful that I was holding your hand for your last squeeze before you left us here. I will cherish that moment forever, no matter how much it hurts to re-live it.

I miss you, but I am so happy that you are no longer in pain. I miss you, but I am so happy that you are up in Heaven, watching over Evan and everyone else. A lot of people tell me how they feel you everyday. The Girls sense you a lot, they love it when it seems like you’ve taken over a DJ at a club and control the music for them!

You touched so many people in your way too short of time on earth, even some that you’ve never met!  I’ve asked everyone to email some of their favorite stories with you to the email address that we set up for Evan. As he gets older I’ll read some to him, and when he’s old enough I’ll turn the email address over to him so he can learn more about you himself!

I made you a promise that I will raise him to the best of my abilities, and I will live up to to that promise. I promised you that he would know you, as well as he possibly can, and I will live up to that promise. I know you didn’t want him to grow up without his mother and in a way, he won’t. We have so many people who cannot wait to tell him all about how amazingly awesome you are. You will always be a part of his life. Of my life. Of Our life.

I started packing today. I know I already told you about the move back to Michigan. I know we were planning on moving there next year, but it’s going to be easier on Evan and I if we move sooner. Evan will have all of his baby friends, and I’ll have my close friends to sit around the fire with. Plus it is wayyyyy cheaper to live in Michigan than Florida! Don’t worry boo boo, we’ll come visit all the time!

I’m so happy that you convinced me to buy that camcorder. While we only used it a few times, I have those videos that I can show to Evan so he can see you interacting with him as a baby! I was watching them all the other day. This is one of my favorites, do you remember this day??

Anywho, I won’t keep you much longer. I know you have to get back to showing Tupac and Biggie how to rap and twerk. I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it a million more: I love you so much, and I miss you. Thank you for the happiness you brought to me. The laughter you gave me. The miracle of Evan. Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Love Always,

Michael “Boo Boo Boo”