Month: August 2016

I ate a fried egg sandwich today.

No big deal to most people right? Well, it was a huge deal to me.

Lauren made the best fried egg sandwiches I’ve ever had. She knew how to cook the eggs perfectly, and she had the perfect mix of spices/herbs/mayo that made it taste like you were taking a bite of heaven.

I remember one morning she woke up before me and went downstairs. A little while later the smells of her cooking woke me up. I excitedly hopped out of bed and started to go downstairs when she yelled up at me to stay in bed. I tried to protest but she wasn’t having it! Defeated, I went back into our room and got back into bed. A few minutes later, she entered the room with a cookie sheet (we didn’t have any trays) and on the cookie sheet was two plates, each with one of her infamous egg sandwiches!! We laid in bed, ate our sandwiches, and talked about our future with “Fig”.

Lauren thinking about throwing me overboard while on our cruise

 Sometimes I wonder what we would have planned if we knew what was coming. Would we have gone on more adventures? Would we have quit our jobs and traveled the world like we planned on doing eventually? Would we have fought differently? These kind of thoughts enter my head a lot. Sometimes they make me happy as I imagine a different ending to that chapter in our life. Sometimes…most times…it makes me sad. The “what if” and “would we” thoughts are very dangerous, and once they start it is super hard to stop them.

Baby steps. Let me get back on track here. I ate an egg sandwich today. The first such sandwich I’ve had since she has passed. It was one of those things that reminded me of her and made me break down uncontrollably. But today, today I ate one. And I didn’t break down. I didn’t cry. I smiled, and I let the memories come flooding in. Baby steps. The sandwich itself? Meh. I never got her to give me her secret combo of ingredients that she used to make them so special. And you know what? That’s okay. Because I have the memories of them, and that is good enough. Baby steps.

Evan and Lauren at Thanksgiving Dinner 2015

 I’m back on a few of the dating websites/apps. Not to try to find someone new, not to try to hookup with someone, but to talk to people. I miss having that person to talk to, about my day, about my life, about things I want to do. I miss having someone to encourage me, to give me advice on my random goals or my newest ideas. I miss having someone to talk me into…or out of…doing things.

I’ve also joined a grief support group. It meets every Wednesday at a church near my house. I’m the youngest person in it at 32. I’m also the one with the most recent loss. One of my good friends told me “That’s good! Being the youngest means you have so much more wisdom to seek from the others.” He’s right of course…but I still wish I didn’t have to seek wisdom on grief at all.

Lauren concentrating while she feeds Evan oatmeal

How am I doing? I am….okay. I am very thankful for my family and all the assistance they are giving me and Evan. I am very thankful for my friends, most of which are also family at this point, for all of their love and support. It’s a lot harder to get some people to hang out than I thought it would be, but that’s probably because they don’t know how to handle me. Like normal is the best way, in my opinion.

Every day is a baby step forward. Not an Evan baby step, because he runs. But a Billy Murray in ‘What about Bob’ baby step.

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,

Michael

The camera pans across a large living room. A sofa, love seat, and recliner are shown, but they are unused. A group of people are sitting around the coffee table, apparently playing a card game. The camera pans through their faces, revealing them to be Michael, Chelsea, Brian, Caitlin, and Lauren. They appear to be playing Go Fish. Caitlin says something and Lauren throws her head back in laughter, Michael and Brian look at each other and shake their heads in amusement. Chelsea replies, resulting in laughter from everyone. Lauren looks at Michael and smiles, opens her mouth to say something when suddenly the wall busts open and DJ Kool and crew enter the room and start to perform “Let me Clear my Throat”

When I dream, my dreams tend to be in sitcom form, probably because of all of the binge watching I do.The other night was no exception. Two nights ago was the first time that Lauren actually came to me in my dreams, and she came to me with some of the people closest to me. While I didn’t get to hear her voice (damn you DJ Kool) seeing her smile in my dream was like seeing it in real life again. Seeing her interact with my friends, even briefly, made me so happy. It made me feel that she approved of my decisions of moving back to Michigan, and interacting with who I’m interacting with.

Four months ago today we said goodbye to one of the most beautiful, kindest, amazing person to walk this Earth. I constantly re-live the last four days she was here. I constantly think about the way too short of time we’ve had together. I fight off the “what if’s” on a daily basis.

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary’s
Can’t bring back what’s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

-“Gone Away” by The Offspring

Telling his mom stories

I had the opportunity to take Evan with me to South Florida this past weekend on a work trip. We visited Lauren several times, and each time Evan talked and told her stories. I told him stories about his wonderful mother as well. We got to spend time with our Florida family, and visit with most of our Florida friends. Evan had an amazing time. For me, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Driving to areas that we drove to together, going to places that we went to together, drinking and dancing with people I wouldn’t know without her. It seems to be getting harder just as much as it is getting easier.

I miss having someone to talk to at night. Someone to hold close. Someone to lay with and watch TV with, play drinking games with, to sleep next to at night. Maybe I need to hire one of those cuddle buddies for hire for a bit. haha.

One of the places we took Evan this past weekend was the Palm Beach Zoo. Lauren and I went there several times, each time was a blast! One of my favorite times was when we went at night and attended the Brew2 At the Zoo. We ended up meeting up with Sam and Derek, who also happened to have tickets. It was a great night of beer sampling and friends hanging out. Lauren wasn’t the biggest beer drinker, but she was that night!! Not many animals were out and active, but the ones that were knew how to party!! We were smart and took a Lyft there so we could possibly go out somewhere else later…but we didn’t factor in how exhausted we’d be…this was one of first nights out after having Evan!

At the Palm Beach Zoo for Brew2 At the Zoo

Evan and I…we’re hanging in there. Thank you all for your love and support. I don’t know where we’d be without you. Until next time, I leave you with this video of Lauren dancing!

Lauren and Lindsay dancing